


Like the Virgin Mary

by cuikune



Category: Life (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, False Advertising, Future Fic, Gen, M/M, No One In This Fic Is Actually A Virgin, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-03-25
Packaged: 2017-12-06 11:26:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/735141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuikune/pseuds/cuikune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Am I going to be the godfather?"</p>
<p>"Crews, if I have anything to say about it, you're not going anywhere near my child until it's old enough to know your bullshit is bullshit."</p>
<p>"You're talking about my Zen again, aren't you? You know I hate it when you talk about it like that."</p>
<p>"I'd be nicer about it if I thought you actually <i>believed</i> the shit you keep spouting."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like the Virgin Mary

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Burningchaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/gifts).



“I’m pregnant.”

“It’s not mine, is it?” In hindsight, the question was stupid. In his defense, if she had been any other woman, it would have been a perfectly reasonable question to ask.

Reese gave him The Look. The one she gave him when she thought he was being intentionally stupid and she had in fact seen his IQ score and to stop fucking around before she took his knife away again.

“I would not have sex with you if the fate of the world depended on it. No, it isn’t yours.”

“Are you sure? You could be like the Virgin Mary. These things happen, you know.”

“You’re not a virgin and my name isn’t Mary.”

“That was just mean. Did you have to do that?”

“Stop giving me puppy eyes, those only work on suspects and Ted. It’s Tidwell’s.”

“Is this the part where I give him the shovel speech? I’ve always wanted to give someone the shovel speech.”

“I think it’s hilarious how you expect me to believe you would use a shovel.”

“I am not attached to my knife.”

“All evidence to the contrary.”

“So, did you draw the short straw? Win the coin toss?”

“I haven’t told him yet.”

“…you told me first? I always knew you loved me best.”

“I do not love you best. I told you first so you can be with me when I do tell him because I need you to not let me kill him when he starts crying.”

“You think he’s going to cry?”

“I _know_ he’s going to cry.”

-

Bobby winced at the loud crash that came from the Captain’s office. He winced again when what sounded like a chair hitting the windows behind the Captain’s desk echoed through the precinct.

Originally, they drew straws to see who would go check on the strange noises. They didn’t bother anymore. Bobby was the only one who could do it safely.

“Everything ok in there?” he called cautiously through the door.

“Officer, give me your gun.”

That…didn’t sound promising. He opened the door a crack.

The Captain was on his knees hugging Reese’s legs. Crying. Oh god, this was worse than the time he had walked in on Charlie stomping on the Captain’s foot while the Captain said things that went hand in hand with sex.

Charlie had his arm wrapped around Reese’s shoulders, pinning her arms to her sides and preventing her from reaching her gun. Or his.

“That’s an order, Officer.”

Bobby looked at Charlie.

Charlie shook his head.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lieutenant.”

“You asked me not to let you kill him, Reese.”

“I changed my mind. Crews, let me have a gun.”

Charlie made a soothing noise.

“Now, now. If you kill him how will help you with the baby?”

Oh _no_.

“ _You_ can help me with the baby.”

Charlie shook his head.

“I already have a child. One is more than enough for me, thank you.”

“Rachel isn’t yours, it doesn’t count.”

“I chase her boyfriends away, it does.”

“I hate you.”

“Words that you say to harm others end up bringing harm only to yourself.”

“If you say another Zen phrase to me at any time during the remainder of my pregnancy I will kill you and bury you in your backyard.”

Oh boy. He was so getting out of here while everyone still had all their limbs attached. If he didn’t see it happen they couldn’t make him testify in court.

He shut the door with a click, just in time to avoid seeing what Reese did to make the Captain make that horrible noise.


End file.
